Hello World, It's me again!
Boy, this whole blogging thing didn't work out the way I wanted it too. I've had many things going on in my life that I really wanted to chronicle here but I just never made this important enough to update it.
But! I'm here now! And ready to party 2006 into existence. Not really.
The truth is that some parts of my life are great and some parts of my life aren't. I think that's probably how it is with everyone. We all have things we wish were a little different. We all think that life would be better or easier if only such and such happened.
The good parts are that I'm still involved with the man named Seth. Honestly, I don't know why I picked the name Seth for him because it just doesn't fit. You know how names seem to just magically pick people? Well, his name is Christopher and if that name doesn't fit him properly, nothing else will. He spent Christmas here with me and my son. For the first Christmas Eve in 9 years, I had a real living, breathing man in my bed. Merry Christmas, indeed!
We went to my parents' house and ate like the possessed. You know what I mean? You know how possessed people look all crazy with their glossed over eyes and their big slimey fangs and greedy hands...kind of like something out of Lord of the Rings. That's how we acted for two straight days. We gorged on everything from Beef Burgandy with rice to homemade rolls, to the most gloriously cheesy homemade macaroni and cheese you have ever laid your tongue on to homemade coconut cake (3 layers!) to peanut butter balls and Martha Stewart's chiffon cupcakes with creamy chocolate icing...it was just all too much.
We ate so much, in fact, that my son actually threw up in the back of Christopher's car on the way home from my parents. "Merry Christmas, Mom...Here's your gift...bleeccchhh" I don't think that I slept at all that night, so worried that my son would get sick again. You see, Christopher's snore is like that of the nightly foghorn from the ship carrying out the dead to the underworld. So, I have to wear earplugs in order to get any sleep. Therefore, I was worried that I wouldn't hear my son and he'd be crying for me and puking all over his flannel snowmen sheets and I would be completely oblivious to it. My point is, I realized that my son is never too old for me to stop worrying about him as if he is still 3 years old.
He's going to be 11 years old in three months. I can't believe that in August of 2006, he will be in JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL. I am only 31 years old. How did I end up with a kid in JUNIOR HIGH? I feel like I just left JUNIOR HIGH. It frightens me, truly. I can't think about it for very long or I get a panic attack. Girls are going to want to start calling him and he's going to start looking at his penis in a whole new light and I just don't think I'm ready for this next stage at all. God help me.
But you know, why do they send the kids to Junior High so quickly now? When I was in school, we didn't go to Junior High (or Middle School for some of you) until 8th grade! We were in Elementary through 7th. Even after I moved to Tennessee, we still were in Elementary through 6th. They've moved it back even further now and I really don't like that. It just seems that children are more innocent and easily controlled in Elementary school. They get this big ego boost on them and think that they are going off to the big, bad Junior High and they change. Kids become evil and it takes them a good three or four years to figure out they don't have to be evil. Maybe I'm just projecting my own horrible experience of Junior High on to him. Maybe it will be okay. There's one thing for certain, I have no other way around it so we'll have to get through it somehow.
Anyway, as I was saying before I went off on a tangent, there have been good things. Obviously I'm feeling fortunate for my son and Chris and my family. I'm also very fortunate that I've got a job now that allows me to work from home! So, I drop my son off at school and then go work and I'm able to pick him up from school each afternoon. I can't tell you how wonderful it has been to be able to be at home with him in the afternoons. I love that I'm giving him that now because I wasn't able to do that for years. So, yes, some very good things.
But there have been a few not so good things. My weight has sky rocketed to a size that only Nell Harper would understand. It's really gotten out of control. Something stupid has clicked in my mind that's given me the impression that I can eat whatever the hell I want to eat and god damn the person that tries to stand in my way. Well, you saw that list of foods earlier that we ate on Christmas. So just take that list and add a few more items on to it. It's been ridiculously stupid of me. I'm really taking a major risk with my life by just carelessly eating whatever I wanted. I've been consumed with consumption. I've been valiantly standing in the center of the National Obesity Crisis and raising my fist in a mighty salute to officially fuck off. And over the last month or so, I've gone on an all out gluttony fest by cooking treats and cookies and candies every day for 15 days straight leading up to Christmas. It's been fun and I've enjoyed it quite a bit but you know, I'm tired of hurting myself for the sake of stubbornness. I've been so insistant upon not caring about my weight and what people thought of me because I wanted to just be happy and free like my skinny counterparts who don't have to worry about consuming a 2 Cheeseburger Value Meal, Super-Sized with a Coca-Cola. I wanted to just know how it felt to be normal for once. And now I know. It feels fucking miserable and anyone who eats like I've been eating for the last year or so should probably consider a colonic.
So, I'm doing something about all of that this year. I haven't really decided exactly what I'm going to say or do, but this blog is going to be getting a makeover and some new toys and I'm going to just kind of blow this mother out. It won't be a weight-loss blog, but there will definitely be updates in a different kind of way. But here's the thing I've decided: I'm not telling anyone in my actual life that I'm changing my way of eating. I'm not going to discuss my choices with them or even let them know that I'm trying to lose weight. The reason for this is that I'm tired of feeling judged and policed by well meaning friends and family members. If I tell you that I am on a diet, and we go out for dinner and you see me order a cheeseburger and fries, I do not need nor want your eyes even slightly glancing my way as if to say, "Is that on your diet?". If I tell you that I'm on a diet, I don't want to have to justify my choice of plan. If I tell you that I'm watching what I eat, I don't want you to ask me every time you see me how much weight I've lost. Basically, I just want to do this and be left alone about it with no fear of slipping because of who is watching my weight also.
I realized that I would need to share it with someone though. I have too much going on in my mind to not let it out every now and then. So, I'm going to share it with my friends in the box. I don't think anyone's actually reading this anymore. If you are, would you say hi to me? But, It's okay that no one is reading it. I think if I keep updating, maybe people will come around more. It's worth a try.
Anyway, that's about it for me. It's New Years Eve. Chris is at his home in Atlanta and I'm in mine in Chattanooga. The sun is setting and soon it will be the dawn of another year. What will this year bring to you? What hopes do you have for yourself? Does the new year really feel like a re-birth, a chance to start anew, or do you refuse to give in to the whole new resolution thing? (By the way, I bought all of my research books on my new eating plan last week so that I wouldn't be a complete cliche.)
I wish you whatever it is you want most for yourself.
Joy
It's been awhile. I'm sorry for neglecting you, pink and brown blog o' mine.
I've officially moved into my new home but I'm still mostly living out of boxes and bags. We moved in two weeks ago and I've spent the majority of those two weeks trying to get used to the reality that I am a homeowner. I have purchased a truck load of new furniture that is being ordered and therefore, I am sleeping on my old mattress in the floor and I have no dresser. I've also been remodeling my bathroom.
I was very persistent in my decision to remodel my bathroom. The previous owners had painted the walls bright yellow with very dark poop green leaves stamped all over it. Stamps just aren't my thing so I painted it a light and airy turquoise blue and installed white wainscoting on the bottom half. It makes me feel as if I am on vacation.
Things are picking up in the continuing saga of my online dating experiment. A man, named Seth, winked at me and we've been emailing one another like mad ever since. Next Saturday, we meet!
Speaking of online dating, the gentleman with the brutally honest profile never responded to my e-mail. I guess he didn't find my sarcasm funny. Although, he still pops up on my list of those who have viewed me every now and then so perhaps it's just taking him longer to compose his response.
I am happy. I think that's the point. I feel very fortunate at this point in my life. I know that I will not always feel that way. I'm certain that circumstances will happen that will make me feel overwhelmed or completely defeated. That's just life. I cannot take this moment for granted. Tomorrow, I may wake up to find half of my roof caving in. Tomorrow, my son may start to show signs of a horrid disease. Tomorrow, I may not even be here anymore. I realize those are extreme examples, but shit happens all the time to people who were blissfully happy just a short 24 hours earlier.
My life isn't completely perfect either. My weight still brings me down and is something that I am forever thinking about and feeling bad about. However, for now, I'm able to look at the big picture and realize that I'm a very blessed woman.
I spent the weekend in St. Louis visiting with friends who just had a new baby. The drive up is fairly boring until you hit Paducah, KY at which point, you are basically surrounded by corn in every direction.
The main purpose of my trip was to see the new babe. This child was so cute and sweet that out of the 100 odd pictures that I took, over 75 of them were of her. I don't want anymore children of my own but it's fun to drool over someone else's for a weekend.
On Friday, we had spa pedicures.
One of the things that I found rather interesting was the "backwards" way of thinking going on in this little community right outside of St. Louis. People always make assumptions that Tennessee is such a backwards state. That we are all a bunch of redneck heathens who hate anyone of a different race or sexual orientation. Perhaps I don't notice it as much because I choose to hang out with people who have open minds but it was really rather disorienting to find myself in social situations where people spoke very openly but were very close minded.
On Saturday night, I tagged along with my friend to a Bachelorette Party. At this party, the Bride's sister, who happens to be a lesbian, was there with her partner. They were at one end of the table and my friend and I were at the other end with some other people. Out of the blue, one of the women piped in with, "I can't believe Tammy's sister" and gave that all knowing look as to say, "You know what I'm talking about."
My friend shook her head as to indicate that she did know what the woman was talking about and a big discussion ensued wherein they both agreed that they couldn't imagine having a sibling that is gay. They talked about how the mother of this girl told her to not ever come home again but has since then come around and accepted her daughter's "choice". Then, they woman says, "If my child ever came home and told me that, I'd jump off a bridge." and my friend laughed.
At that point, I was stunned, both by the conversation and my friend's reaction, but managed to say, "And why would you take your own life over something that has absolutely nothing to do with you?" That was the end of the conversation.
On my way out of town, I happened to notice a bunch of white crosses over in a field on the interstate. There was a huge billboard in the center with a picture of Jesus Christ along with a statement about Abortion and how each cross signified an abortion in that town. Again, I was just kind of stunned.
And finally, two random pictures. The first, of my new hair color.
And the second, of my new back yard. We move in two weeks and I've managed to pack one box of DVDs. Ugh.
The last time we met, it was a year ago to be precise, and I was questioning my relationship with the abusive man that I had been dating. If you’ll remember correctly, he wasn’t physically abusive but more manipulative and argumentative to a point that it was physically exhausting and emotionally draining to stay in the relationship. Well, times … they are a’changin’.
So much has happened in my life that I don’t really know where to begin. I have stories about “Carson” (the aforementioned asshole for those catching up) that will either leave you questioning what kind of person I am or will leave you cheering for my creative handling of the situation. I have a new job that has completely changed my life. I have made new friends and I have found myself polishing off the old match.com profile once again. There have been illnesses and even a death. There have also been births. There have been blind dates and late night margaritas on the back “porch” (It’s really just a slab of cement but it works). I have lost friends that I didn’t mean to lose, but who were probably ready to be lost. I have stories. Lots of stories and I can’t wait to share them with you.
Self-Made Man 