April 14, 2006
I realize by now that I'm not a dependable blogger and that's okay with me. When I say that I am doing this for myself, I really am for the most part. I like having my own little online presence and one place to keep the thoughts and events that I think are worth documenting. It wouldn't be worth it to me if I felt guilt for not having updated in many weeks. Of course, my audience is so small and I know you're either a) my friend or b) accustomed to my lack of updates so that helps too.
I wrote awhile back on my feelings about my weight and felt strongly that it was time for a change. I still feel that way, although nothing has changed dramatically on the outside to prove it. Typically, this would bother me but I've been doing a lot of reading, writing, and soul-searching over the last few months and I've started creating again.
Do you believe that if you tell yourself you aren't any good at something that eventually, you will believe it?
I do.
And that's what I've been doing for many, many, many years. The fear of failing has been too great for me so I've lied to myself to lessen the disappointment of not doing the many things I'd like to do.
This includes activities like cooking, creating art, decorating, singing, writing, cleaning, dressing myself, dating, mothering, and losing weight.
I realize that all this time, I've filled my mind with phrases such as,
"I can't cook."
"I don't have a very good eye for decorating."
"I never know what looks good on me so I just wear black."
"I'm not that good of a singer."
"My writing is okay but my grammar sucks and I think everything has basically been written about so I wouldn't have anything original to say."
"I'm not a very good housekeeper."
"I'll never have another child. I don't think I'm very good at parenting."
"I'll never stick to a diet."
"That guy has absolutely none of the qualities I'm looking for but he's interested so I should go out with him anyway...I'm probably just too picky."
"One day, someone will realize I'm a fraud."
I have an excuse for everything. I'm so fucking sick of it too. I don't cook for my son and I don't cook for my family because I've been filling my head with the, "I can't cook." mantra since I was a young child. In my family, my mother and oldest sister have been the cooks. My son has heard me say it also and so he says, "eeewww, you're gonna cook?!" as if his life is ending. He doesn't really even give anything I cook a chance because he already believes that it is going to suck. Granted, I'm not very experienced with cooking. But, I can learn. That's where I've gone wrong. Instead of just saying that I need to learn more about something, I write it off as something I "can't" do.
The cooking is just one example. You could substitute cooking for any of those other activities and the paragraph would still be the same.
I also firmly believe that this self-deprecation has been my crutch -- my reason for not succeeding beyond my goals or dreams. I've managed to just get by.
So, I've started creating things that inspire me to fill my head with positive words. I'm scrapbooking again, not just for my dog or son, but for me too. I've found that scrapbooking has all of the elements I need and like: photography, hands-on with stickers, paper, and embellishments, and journaling. I keep my eyes and mind open to ideas and lessons that are all around me.
Recently, I read an article in Oprah's magazine by Joyce Roche, the CEO of Girls, Inc. Joyce wrote a letter to her younger self and in it she explained that all those years, she had worked so hard, believing someone would "find her out". She said in her letter, "Stop it." and then listed many things she wanted her younger self to believe.
And that's where the photo in the mirror comes in. I was moved by the letter and printed many of her sentences on a sheet of vellum. Then, I stuck them to my bathroom mirror. Doing that was instantly gratifying and every single time I walk in my bathroom now and catch a glimpse of them, I feel like I can breathe and that I will be okay.
February 20, 2006
Chris and I have decided to go separate ways. I'm not sure if I feel relief or sadness (probably both). I'm not sure what I've said here about Chris (and I'm in no mood to go back and review) but there is a 14 year age difference between us and I think that had something to do with our issues. In my opinion, he is set in his ways and has a low tolerance for children, mine included. In his opinion, I simplify the issue by stating that he simply doesn't like children. Regardless, we have drastically different approaches to child-rearing. His approach seems to be "children should be seen, not heard". And, I agree with him to an extent.
I do believe that children should know there is a time and place for certain behaviors. I wouldn't allow my child to run up and down the aisles at church or even the grocery store. However, I don't have a problem with him voicing his opinion about where we go eat or how we spend an afternoon together. That doesn't mean I'm going to grant his wish, but I do allow him to give his input.
There were several other issues that just seem to be too large for us to overcome but I think the child issue has always been at the center of it. My son comes first. He has too. So, I gave him the option of taking a step back and only spending time with me, he declined.
So, here I am. Single again.
All of this has brought up one thought in my mind. Is it even worth it to date seriously when you have children involved? How do other people do it? How long do you wait before introducing your child to your date? Is there a difference between how dating is handled with younger children and older ones?
I've always shielded my son from any dates I've had until now. Mostly because I didn't think it was healthy for him to see me out dating numerous men. Now, I wonder if I have done a disservice to him by allowing him to believe that I have absolutely no life outside of him.
I know that my son didn't like it when I told him I was seeing Chris. I know that he resisted getting to know him and that he was rude and disrespectful at times. Chris always saw that as a behavioral issue whereas I saw it as my son trying to adjust to a new situation. He isn't normally rude or disrespectful (out of all the children at his school, he won the character trait for "respect" last year) and when he was with Chris, I always corrected him. We had many discussions about the way to act and I did discipline him the few times he was out of line. Chris thinks he should be punished. I thought punishing him would just make things worse as it was apparent my son was trying to cope with this new person in our lives. I believed things were getting better but according to Chris, they weren't.
We aren't even speaking at this point and there hasn't really even been a definite "This is over" declaration. He said he'd call or see me in person in a few days to discuss more but at this point, I'm tired and I have nothing left to say.
December 31, 2005
Hello World, It's me again!
Boy, this whole blogging thing didn't work out the way I wanted it too. I've had many things going on in my life that I really wanted to chronicle here but I just never made this important enough to update it.
But! I'm here now! And ready to party 2006 into existence. Not really.
The truth is that some parts of my life are great and some parts of my life aren't. I think that's probably how it is with everyone. We all have things we wish were a little different. We all think that life would be better or easier if only such and such happened.
The good parts are that I'm still involved with the man named Seth. Honestly, I don't know why I picked the name Seth for him because it just doesn't fit. You know how names seem to just magically pick people? Well, his name is Christopher and if that name doesn't fit him properly, nothing else will. He spent Christmas here with me and my son. For the first Christmas Eve in 9 years, I had a real living, breathing man in my bed. Merry Christmas, indeed!
We went to my parents' house and ate like the possessed. You know what I mean? You know how possessed people look all crazy with their glossed over eyes and their big slimey fangs and greedy hands...kind of like something out of Lord of the Rings. That's how we acted for two straight days. We gorged on everything from Beef Burgandy with rice to homemade rolls, to the most gloriously cheesy homemade macaroni and cheese you have ever laid your tongue on to homemade coconut cake (3 layers!) to peanut butter balls and Martha Stewart's chiffon cupcakes with creamy chocolate icing...it was just all too much.
We ate so much, in fact, that my son actually threw up in the back of Christopher's car on the way home from my parents. "Merry Christmas, Mom...Here's your gift...bleeccchhh" I don't think that I slept at all that night, so worried that my son would get sick again. You see, Christopher's snore is like that of the nightly foghorn from the ship carrying out the dead to the underworld. So, I have to wear earplugs in order to get any sleep. Therefore, I was worried that I wouldn't hear my son and he'd be crying for me and puking all over his flannel snowmen sheets and I would be completely oblivious to it. My point is, I realized that my son is never too old for me to stop worrying about him as if he is still 3 years old.
He's going to be 11 years old in three months. I can't believe that in August of 2006, he will be in JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL. I am only 31 years old. How did I end up with a kid in JUNIOR HIGH? I feel like I just left JUNIOR HIGH. It frightens me, truly. I can't think about it for very long or I get a panic attack. Girls are going to want to start calling him and he's going to start looking at his penis in a whole new light and I just don't think I'm ready for this next stage at all. God help me.
But you know, why do they send the kids to Junior High so quickly now? When I was in school, we didn't go to Junior High (or Middle School for some of you) until 8th grade! We were in Elementary through 7th. Even after I moved to Tennessee, we still were in Elementary through 6th. They've moved it back even further now and I really don't like that. It just seems that children are more innocent and easily controlled in Elementary school. They get this big ego boost on them and think that they are going off to the big, bad Junior High and they change. Kids become evil and it takes them a good three or four years to figure out they don't have to be evil. Maybe I'm just projecting my own horrible experience of Junior High on to him. Maybe it will be okay. There's one thing for certain, I have no other way around it so we'll have to get through it somehow.
Anyway, as I was saying before I went off on a tangent, there have been good things. Obviously I'm feeling fortunate for my son and Chris and my family. I'm also very fortunate that I've got a job now that allows me to work from home! So, I drop my son off at school and then go work and I'm able to pick him up from school each afternoon. I can't tell you how wonderful it has been to be able to be at home with him in the afternoons. I love that I'm giving him that now because I wasn't able to do that for years. So, yes, some very good things.
But there have been a few not so good things. My weight has sky rocketed to a size that only Nell Harper would understand. It's really gotten out of control. Something stupid has clicked in my mind that's given me the impression that I can eat whatever the hell I want to eat and god damn the person that tries to stand in my way. Well, you saw that list of foods earlier that we ate on Christmas. So just take that list and add a few more items on to it. It's been ridiculously stupid of me. I'm really taking a major risk with my life by just carelessly eating whatever I wanted. I've been consumed with consumption. I've been valiantly standing in the center of the National Obesity Crisis and raising my fist in a mighty salute to officially fuck off. And over the last month or so, I've gone on an all out gluttony fest by cooking treats and cookies and candies every day for 15 days straight leading up to Christmas. It's been fun and I've enjoyed it quite a bit but you know, I'm tired of hurting myself for the sake of stubbornness. I've been so insistant upon not caring about my weight and what people thought of me because I wanted to just be happy and free like my skinny counterparts who don't have to worry about consuming a 2 Cheeseburger Value Meal, Super-Sized with a Coca-Cola. I wanted to just know how it felt to be normal for once. And now I know. It feels fucking miserable and anyone who eats like I've been eating for the last year or so should probably consider a colonic.
So, I'm doing something about all of that this year. I haven't really decided exactly what I'm going to say or do, but this blog is going to be getting a makeover and some new toys and I'm going to just kind of blow this mother out. It won't be a weight-loss blog, but there will definitely be updates in a different kind of way. But here's the thing I've decided: I'm not telling anyone in my actual life that I'm changing my way of eating. I'm not going to discuss my choices with them or even let them know that I'm trying to lose weight. The reason for this is that I'm tired of feeling judged and policed by well meaning friends and family members. If I tell you that I am on a diet, and we go out for dinner and you see me order a cheeseburger and fries, I do not need nor want your eyes even slightly glancing my way as if to say, "Is that on your diet?". If I tell you that I'm on a diet, I don't want to have to justify my choice of plan. If I tell you that I'm watching what I eat, I don't want you to ask me every time you see me how much weight I've lost. Basically, I just want to do this and be left alone about it with no fear of slipping because of who is watching my weight also.
I realized that I would need to share it with someone though. I have too much going on in my mind to not let it out every now and then. So, I'm going to share it with my friends in the box. I don't think anyone's actually reading this anymore. If you are, would you say hi to me? But, It's okay that no one is reading it. I think if I keep updating, maybe people will come around more. It's worth a try.
Anyway, that's about it for me. It's New Years Eve. Chris is at his home in Atlanta and I'm in mine in Chattanooga. The sun is setting and soon it will be the dawn of another year. What will this year bring to you? What hopes do you have for yourself? Does the new year really feel like a re-birth, a chance to start anew, or do you refuse to give in to the whole new resolution thing? (By the way, I bought all of my research books on my new eating plan last week so that I wouldn't be a complete cliche.)
I wish you whatever it is you want most for yourself.
Joy
November 27, 2005
So, it's been like an entire 3 months since I've last updated. Does anyone ever still read this? Did anyone ever read it to start with?
The short of it is that I've been busy falling in love. You know, it's amazing to me how one day you are going about your life as a single girl and then the next you are meeting someone that you will eventually fall in love with. I really wasn't expecting it at all. One day I am loving my single life, enjoying my friends, pretty much accepting that I've had my share of love and unlove for awhile and so I would be happy that others were experiencing it while extolling the benefits of sleeping single in a double bed. Then the next day, I'm looking in his eyes for the first time and seeing something in them that makes me hope that he calls again. And when he does, I exhale and a slight giggle escapes my lips just like it used to in junior high school. And then one day I find myself admiring china patterns. It's such an odd experience, falling in love.
So, Seth and I met that Saturday and have been seeing one another as often as we possibly can (he lives about 2 hours from here). He loves me and he loves my child. He opens my car door every. single. time we are together. He runs the palm of his hand over my hair. He sent me a post card of his city after our first date with the words, "Dear Joy, Wish you were here. Love, Seth". He is just a phenomenal man and this weekend, he took my son Christmas shopping for me. I think my heart is swollen.
Other things going on with me:
In the town where I live, there is a family who has had several major tragedies happen to them within a very small amount of time. Their son fell down five flights from a roof of an abandoned building in town while taking pictures and he was in a coma for several months. Now, he is a parapalegic and his mother and father have been spending most of their time in Atlanta while he goes through rehabilitation. Then, during a severe storm, a tree fell through their house and made it pretty much unliveable. Last weekend, their 19 year old daughter, Hadrienne, was in a car wreck and she died. She was an incredibly beautiful girl and you can see in her pictures how happy and kind she was to others.
I have never met this family, but I've been following their story from the time of Asher's accident. I happened upon the father's blog on the main portal at Chattablogs and was drawn in by this family's story. I cannot even pretend to begin to know what this family is feeling. But, their unrelenting faith in God has astounded me. I cannot stop thinking of them. I cannot stop telling people about them.
Andy Mendonsa listed several charitable organizations that Hadrienne was passionate about. I don't know if anyone is reading this or not, but if you are, and you have a few dollars, please consider donating in memory of this precious girl. And if you don't have money to donate, then maybe post a link on your website for others to see.
I think that's it for me for now. I'm still here. Life is good.
August 13, 2005
It's been awhile. I'm sorry for neglecting you, pink and brown blog o' mine.
I've officially moved into my new home but I'm still mostly living out of boxes and bags. We moved in two weeks ago and I've spent the majority of those two weeks trying to get used to the reality that I am a homeowner. I have purchased a truck load of new furniture that is being ordered and therefore, I am sleeping on my old mattress in the floor and I have no dresser. I've also been remodeling my bathroom.
I was very persistent in my decision to remodel my bathroom. The previous owners had painted the walls bright yellow with very dark poop green leaves stamped all over it. Stamps just aren't my thing so I painted it a light and airy turquoise blue and installed white wainscoting on the bottom half. It makes me feel as if I am on vacation.
Things are picking up in the continuing saga of my online dating experiment. A man, named Seth, winked at me and we've been emailing one another like mad ever since. Next Saturday, we meet!
Speaking of online dating, the gentleman with the brutally honest profile never responded to my e-mail. I guess he didn't find my sarcasm funny. Although, he still pops up on my list of those who have viewed me every now and then so perhaps it's just taking him longer to compose his response.
I am happy. I think that's the point. I feel very fortunate at this point in my life. I know that I will not always feel that way. I'm certain that circumstances will happen that will make me feel overwhelmed or completely defeated. That's just life. I cannot take this moment for granted. Tomorrow, I may wake up to find half of my roof caving in. Tomorrow, my son may start to show signs of a horrid disease. Tomorrow, I may not even be here anymore. I realize those are extreme examples, but shit happens all the time to people who were blissfully happy just a short 24 hours earlier.
My life isn't completely perfect either. My weight still brings me down and is something that I am forever thinking about and feeling bad about. However, for now, I'm able to look at the big picture and realize that I'm a very blessed woman.
June 19, 2005
I've read Mandy's journal since she first began. She and her husband are currently living in Peru.
Go read her latest entry and help if you can.
Self-Made Man 