How do you like my new style? I love the red and teal! Amy does such a good job and she's fast!
A long time ago, I downloaded Stumble!. I forget I have it though so I usually go a few weeks at a time without using it. Then, I'll spend an entire Sunday evening stumbling my way through the internet. In fact, when I remember to use it, I love it. I had to create a new folder in my favorites just for sites I found while stumbling. It's just this bulky folder that has a down arrow button because there are so many sites bookmarked there. Every now and then, I'll just spend time stumbling through my saved stumbles folder. Have you ever noticed how the word stumble starts to look weird after you see it written so many times? Anyway, there are a lot of sites in there that I want to share with you and I thought I'd start with Bobby Neal Adams.
Bobby Neal Adams is a photographer. An artist. And I stumbled upon his site a long time ago and his work moved me. All of his work is amazing, but I was particularly drawn to the Age Maps. I cannot stop going back there and looking at those images. In his words an age map is, "Two photographs of the same person, from different periods of time (child and adult) are spliced together. In this fusion a jump-of-time is established at the tear."
I wanted to see what my jump-of-time looks like. So, I decided to try it out.
Here's where things veer off the story for a moment.
I thought trying this project would just be a fun thing to do. And then I pulled out my elementary school pictures. While I was trying to decide on which picture would be a good size to match up with one of me today, I noticed something that I had not thought of in a long, long time. I settled in on one picture in particular and looking at that face, staring back up at me, I saw a child there and I remembered exactly what that age felt like for me.
1984
The girl in that picture is 10 years old and in 4th grade. She was on the PomPom squad but she had to drop out of it because she couldn't get her math grade up to a C. The boy whom she had loved for the last three years laughed at her inability to excel at times tables. This is the year that she will get her school pictures back and for the first time in her young life, she will say to herself that she is ugly. She will hate her haircut and the gap in her teeth. She will wish her mother had not dressed her in that ugly white lace collar. She will wish her mother would either go to cosmetology school or start hiring someone professional to cut her hair. She will wish that she looked like someone else.
Looking at the picture tonight was emotional for me because I saw myself detached from it for the first time ever. I wanted to hug the girl in the picture. I felt like I was looking at someone else's child. I don't know, it's hard to explain. But I ended up crying about it and while I don't want to make this story anymore soul-baring than it already is (too late, I know), I did want to document these thoughts for myself. I'm on a self-discovery kick, ya know.
Anyway, I enjoyed doing this. It was fun and made me think about myself and who I am now and who I want to be.
I can't decide if I'm impressed or freaked out with my results. Mine look nothing like Bobby Neal Adams'. I almost look like a chucky doll. No matter, the woman on the right is me and I am 31 years old. The gap in my teeth is gone -- closed up on its own with a little time and thankfully, I never needed braces. I have a great hairstylist and although I still find many things about my looks that I don't like, I'm learning to love all of me a little at a time.
Submitted to Self-portrait Challenge - May 2006
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1974
I am the youngest of three girls. My oldest sister who I'll call Sara is four years older than I am. After my other sister, Annie was born, my parents decided they were done having babies. So, my father had a vasectomy and life went along as they had planned. Only a few months later, my mother found out that she was pregnant again. Supposedly doctors didn't know to warn patients that they should use protection for a few months (or either they had a crappy doctor) but regardless, I came along. Annie and I are only 18 months apart and we grew up really close. We shared a room for most of our young childhood and although I know I annoyed her at times, she had such an even temperament that she tolerated me very well. I always felt accepted by her. I was completely in love with her. Annie and I were pretty inseparable throughout elementary school. Sara and Annie were also close. However, Sara and I were constantly at odds. Sara was four when I was born. She pretended to be a mommy with me. You can totally see in her expression in the picture above how in love she is with the baby. The baby is me.
At some point I began to resent Sara's mothering of me. I couldn't ever do anything wrong without her running to tell on me. She would critique me and criticize me and make judgements about me. I never felt like she was my friend. I always believed she was against me. I look at this picture and wonder, "When did she stop thinking I was the greatest thing ever?" The older we've gotten, the worse our relationship gets. It has escalated to the point now that we have not spoken since Labor Day weekend, we did not even spend Christmas together which is a first.
I have told my mother for the last ten years or so that all I really wanted was for her to be my friend. She still treats me like I'm 17. It's as if she doesn't want to open up the side of herself that she shows to her friends. She's very guarded with me, not ever sharing anything with me or asking me to spend time with her. She rarely calls me and has never invited us to join them for a vacation or to come down to visit her. We only live 2 hours apart. It's just really odd to me. Her and Annie have a great relationship despite Annie living 12 hours away. They treat each other like friends, they confide in one another, they give advice. And I don't have that with either of them. Annie and I have it to a certain extent, but it's not like I would like for it to be. Sara and I don't have it at all.
Maybe I just have odd expectations. I don't know. I just wish I was closer to my sisters.
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*Note: Amy is working on a re-design for me so excuse the mess if things look wonky when viewing older entries!
My Weekend: A Photo Essay
Verbena in hanging baskets.
Double Impatiens in a ceramic pot.
Petunias and an assortment of other annuals that haven't bloomed yet in a clay pot. (This is supposed to be a "nectar garden" that will attract butterflies and hummingbirds.)
Superbells in tequila sunrise and deep yellow and Hawaiian Blue Eyes in window boxes.
Fresh strawberries, grapes and pineapple in a bowl.
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I realize by now that I'm not a dependable blogger and that's okay with me. When I say that I am doing this for myself, I really am for the most part. I like having my own little online presence and one place to keep the thoughts and events that I think are worth documenting. It wouldn't be worth it to me if I felt guilt for not having updated in many weeks. Of course, my audience is so small and I know you're either a) my friend or b) accustomed to my lack of updates so that helps too.
I wrote awhile back on my feelings about my weight and felt strongly that it was time for a change. I still feel that way, although nothing has changed dramatically on the outside to prove it. Typically, this would bother me but I've been doing a lot of reading, writing, and soul-searching over the last few months and I've started creating again.
Do you believe that if you tell yourself you aren't any good at something that eventually, you will believe it?
more . . .
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I've been messing around with a digital scrapbooking kit and thought I'd share my latest creation. Happy Easter!
Click here for full view
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I found this site today and thought I'd pass it along. You can upload a picture of your face and it will give you a list of celebrities you most resemble.
I'm not convinced it's accurate considering my returns were Rachel McAdams, Jackie O, Drew Barrymore, and ... well you can see the rest of my results for yourself here. Share your results in the comments!
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Self-Made Man 