I don’t really talk about religion with anyone in my life. It makes me more than uncomfortable to talk about God or the Bible. I’d rather give a speech to a crowd while perched nude on a stage than to give the prayer at a meal. I will flat out refuse to give the prayer if anyone calls on me too. And thankfully everyone has figured that out the hard way now and I’m no longer asked. Sometimes I tell people that I’ll pray for them because I think that’s what they want to hear or expect to hear, but I always forget to do it. I wish my heartfelt promise to keep them in my thoughts was enough but there are some people that ask for prayers so I feel bad not offering that.
I was raised to be a Christian and to believe in God and Jesus. Regardless of being in Church every Sunday morning throughout my childhood, I didn’t understand the difference between God and Jesus until I was 17 years old.
Over the last five years or so, I’ve been on a spiritual journey that no one in my life knows about.
I’ve questioned a lot about religion and it leaves me feeling more disheartened than hopeful. I haven’t shared these thoughts with anyone in my family or friends because they would all think poorly of me. Not believe in God? What kind of animal are you?! But the truth is, I really don’t know if I believe in God. I think the idea of having some outside force to pin all of your hopes on is a scary thing. I don’t want to blame God for the difficult times I’ve experienced. Truthfully, I’m usually in those difficult times in part due to my own ignorance and stupid choices. And I also don’t want to praise some unseen being when I have a blessing due to my own hard work (How selfish, but really, I’d rather be honest than a hypocrite that gives praise to Jesus while molesting our children behind the pulpit or a rapper who sings about killing his wife and then giving props to the Lord first and foremost). I’ve never really experienced feeling God in my life.
In prayer, I just always felt awkward and stupid. I never felt that the Lord was actually a real spirit that was listening to my little speeches I’d rattle off under the covers at night. I always imagined him perched at the end of my bed, with stone tablet in hand, tapping out my latest request or sad story. It was probably more Fred Flintstone than Jesus Christ. I just never got being “moved by the holy spirit”. There was a short period of time in my young adolescence that I found myself talking to God on a regular basis, but I was telling day dreams more than anything else.
Back to the point which is that I’ve never actually told anyone that I don’t think I believe in God. I say “I don’t think” because I am trying to figure out what that means if there isn’t a God and so I’m not ready to stand by my opinion for the moment. If there isn’t a God, what happens when I die? Ah, the age old question. My ex-boyfriend, Chris, believes that when you die, that’s just it. Lights out. You cease to exist. Flame extinguished. There is no knowledge of anything else like an afterlife or meeting up with relatives. There is no floating about in a cloud. There is no feeling of anything – not even peace. And I just think that’s fucking miserable. To me, that would be my hell. I don’t think I can understand what feeling nothing is like. I mean … nothing is just incomprehensible. Empty.
If it is nothing, then what is all this for? It all seems useless. So we’ve all gotten to enjoy this short amount of time, working hard to make a good life and then just poof? I can’t buy that. Even if it is true, it won’t do me any good to worry over it. I am trying to enjoy everything my life is offering me. My natural curiosity has gotten the better of me, and so I’ve decided to begin studying other religions. I want to know what other people believe. How other people worship. What other people worship. I just want to know what people find in their religion or belief that keeps them so faithful. I’m obviously missing something. Maybe if I talk to people, read, and visit other types of religious services I’ll begin to unravel my own mystery.
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11:26 PM
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I've been on a rediscovery of Christianity for the last 2 years. Some stuff I find comfort in, other stuff, not so much. I would rather turn inside out and fart in public than pray in public. Mostly, when I pray out loud I say "Thanks God" and leave it at that. For me, the internal praying is more important. I think to myself *all* the time, so I started calling that dialog prayer. And it's amazing how much I do everyday. I wake up in prayer, go to bed in prayer. Before, I just thought I had a busy head.
I think that spirituality is intensely personal, as is figuring out the 'religion' part of it all. I keep going back and reading, asking questions and I don't let myself get caught up in the fear that I'm not doing it right. I'm doing it, and that's what's important to me.
Posted by Von at June 5, 2006 08:39 PM
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Self-Made Man 