I realize by now that I'm not a dependable blogger and that's okay with me. When I say that I am doing this for myself, I really am for the most part. I like having my own little online presence and one place to keep the thoughts and events that I think are worth documenting. It wouldn't be worth it to me if I felt guilt for not having updated in many weeks. Of course, my audience is so small and I know you're either a) my friend or b) accustomed to my lack of updates so that helps too.
I wrote awhile back on my feelings about my weight and felt strongly that it was time for a change. I still feel that way, although nothing has changed dramatically on the outside to prove it. Typically, this would bother me but I've been doing a lot of reading, writing, and soul-searching over the last few months and I've started creating again.
Do you believe that if you tell yourself you aren't any good at something that eventually, you will believe it?
I do.
And that's what I've been doing for many, many, many years. The fear of failing has been too great for me so I've lied to myself to lessen the disappointment of not doing the many things I'd like to do.
This includes activities like cooking, creating art, decorating, singing, writing, cleaning, dressing myself, dating, mothering, and losing weight.
I realize that all this time, I've filled my mind with phrases such as,
"I can't cook."
"I don't have a very good eye for decorating."
"I never know what looks good on me so I just wear black."
"I'm not that good of a singer."
"My writing is okay but my grammar sucks and I think everything has basically been written about so I wouldn't have anything original to say."
"I'm not a very good housekeeper."
"I'll never have another child. I don't think I'm very good at parenting."
"I'll never stick to a diet."
"That guy has absolutely none of the qualities I'm looking for but he's interested so I should go out with him anyway...I'm probably just too picky."
"One day, someone will realize I'm a fraud."
I have an excuse for everything. I'm so fucking sick of it too. I don't cook for my son and I don't cook for my family because I've been filling my head with the, "I can't cook." mantra since I was a young child. In my family, my mother and oldest sister have been the cooks. My son has heard me say it also and so he says, "eeewww, you're gonna cook?!" as if his life is ending. He doesn't really even give anything I cook a chance because he already believes that it is going to suck. Granted, I'm not very experienced with cooking. But, I can learn. That's where I've gone wrong. Instead of just saying that I need to learn more about something, I write it off as something I "can't" do.
The cooking is just one example. You could substitute cooking for any of those other activities and the paragraph would still be the same.
I also firmly believe that this self-deprecation has been my crutch -- my reason for not succeeding beyond my goals or dreams. I've managed to just get by.
So, I've started creating things that inspire me to fill my head with positive words. I'm scrapbooking again, not just for my dog or son, but for me too. I've found that scrapbooking has all of the elements I need and like: photography, hands-on with stickers, paper, and embellishments, and journaling. I keep my eyes and mind open to ideas and lessons that are all around me.
Recently, I read an article in Oprah's magazine by Joyce Roche, the CEO of Girls, Inc. Joyce wrote a letter to her younger self and in it she explained that all those years, she had worked so hard, believing someone would "find her out". She said in her letter, "Stop it." and then listed many things she wanted her younger self to believe.
And that's where the photo in the mirror comes in. I was moved by the letter and printed many of her sentences on a sheet of vellum. Then, I stuck them to my bathroom mirror. Doing that was instantly gratifying and every single time I walk in my bathroom now and catch a glimpse of them, I feel like I can breathe and that I will be okay.
Posted at
10:55 PM
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I've been into positive affirmations for the last two years and it's made a tremendous difference. It's like a made a tape when I was 15 and stuck it on repeat in my head. Finding out that I can do all those things that I didn't think I was worthy of doing (it's not a matter of being able to do those things, it's deserving to do them) has been a slow process, but well-worth it. Love the picture.
Posted by Von at April 17, 2006 10:57 AM
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Self-Made Man 